Just Hold My Hand

(Shh... Just Keep Breathing, It will get better)
 So, Dhruv Love, This one's for you.
(Though we don't share the same blood
You're my brother and I love you that's the truth
~Kodaline)
Hmmm. So if you've been "keeping up with Sammy," you now have a greater understanding of my story and are familiar with Dhruv! since I mentioned him in a blog post earlier.

Soooooo,
Let's restart from the beginning like always:)?
As I indicated in my blog, my mother used to be stationed in the hill town of Bharsar, and because of the lack of educational opportunities there as well as my father's frequent transfers, I stayed with Nanes. However, the plan was in 2012 Ma was going to permanently relocate to Pantnagar, where my dad had intended to eventually move as well. After that, they would bring me home, and we would have been a happy freaking family, together Finally!!
I know I lack many things—be they attractive faces, a "sexy body," a brilliant mind, an intelligent hobby, or a typical, complete family.
However, the absence of one thing that hurts the most is Fate. Stupid fate.
On April 23, 2012, just as our perfect plan was about to go into effect, my father passed away.
And my hope for a happy, long-awaited reunion with my parents was just crushed.
We had been so close. So close to having the life I've never had despite wanting and dreaming about it my entire life.
I used to sit in the pooja room and think only about a happy family, before I gave up on the idea of a deity, I kept asking God, "Is it too much?" To live with my parents? Is that too much to live like a normal child? Is it unreasonable to ask?
I suppose it was.
I did move to Pantnagar with my mother, I was enrolled in a new school, and I made the decision that I would no longer put up with being bullied by anyone, so I retracted here. Better to have no friends than shitty ones. Although I had amicable classmates, I ate lunch alone.
 If I'm being absolutely honest, I even kind of liked it. I located a small area at the rear of our school that was hidden from the cameras. A few unused desks were lying unattended there, and the Nainital mountains were visible from there. I was never discovered there either, so it was perfect. Whenever I felt like skipping class to read a book, I used to go there. Yes, I skipped lessons to read books, guys! What? you didn't know I was a nerd?
Anyway, ever since I was three years old, my loving mother has had this small synthesizer and has been urging me to learn how to play it. So, at one of the PTMs, she spoke with my music instructor and worked out a plan for me to be able to attend my music lessons in the music room so that the senior music teacher could teach me the piano.
The music room was already reserved for class 8 for this period, so I was essentially required to learn alongside my seniors.
My music teacher had an older student teach me the fundamentals on the first day I went. With a look of intense boredom on his face, he explained the C chord, the G chord, etc while I sat next to him on the piano desk and quietly listened.
"That is A minor, miss kr diye tum (You missed that)" said, none other than, yes, Dhruv himself. I noticed him grinning at his pal as I looked up.
"Tu hi sikha de aa" ("You go ahead and teach her then") His friend stood up and walked over to the drums. Dhruv sighed but nevertheless sat down next to me and gave the chord explanations in the same manner as his friend had, I couldn't take my eyes off his steady hands. He left quickly out of the responsibility.

By the way, I failed to learn a single chord that day.
Anyway, for the following few lessons music, Sir primarily taught me, and when he noticed little development, he requested me to leave and return when I was in the senior section next year. I couldn't have been happier to go.
Well, there was this first encounter, a quiet one.
But the second one, my, that was dramatic.
I had just finished reading Chetan Bhagat's Half Girlfriend.
And, okay, back then, it was cool? Don't judge me for it. Anyway, I thought learning basketball seemed like fun,  (No hopes of running across a basketball player in the mold of Madhav Jha who would notice me and fall in love right away, ObViOuSlY!! Duh!!)
I actually walked up to the basketball court for the first time instead of simply lounging about and reading a book in the PHE lesson.
Our physical education instructor did not believe in teaching fifth-grade children. So, after giving us the sports equipment, he just continued to simp on our English teacher. At least, that was the rumour. He only ever appeared when two kids got into a fight.
Nevertheless, there I was on the basketball court playing with the other tiny kids. Well I was tiny too back then.
And the problem that was, Dhruv dear did not value schooling. He was playing with his mates while skipping class on the court. He was familiar to me from the music lessons.
Anyway, his cronies seized half of the court, leaving the other half for my classmates. In reality, none of these young children could play basketball. So soon all the guys decided they wanted to play football because they couldn't throw a single basket. With the basketball! Jesus, kids that age! Anyway, my Madhav Jha aspirations were at stake, therefore I wasn't having any of that. I argued, they yelled back, I yelled back again, they pushed me to the ground, and I went into full-on hulk mode.
The fact is, I could have easily destroyed one of them. But there were three of them, and I was by myself.
One of them tugged my hair. Now, pulling a girl's hair while fighting is equivalent to punching a boy below the belt. As I fell back, preparing to fight, he abruptly released his hold by himself
I turned around shocked, only to see Dhruv, the alpha male standing there with his hand gripping the other boys' hair. "How do you enjoy it when I do that to you huh?" His face was crimson with rage as he screamed. For so long, he had seemed like a peaceful, respectable guy to me, so I was quite astonished to see that side of him.
"All of you leave the court right now!" He yelled. I was so desperate to play that my heart broke. He exclaimed at me as I was leaving, "Khelna hai?" ("Want to play?") I nodded and rushed back to the court grinning joyously.
He invited me, much to the annoyance of his pals, but it turned out I wasn't nearly as awful.

The day I spoke to him in person would be that one. Engaged him in a real conversation. I was so enamored with his company that I even disclosed where I had lunch in secret to him. To be completely honest, I didn't want him to accompany me when he asked if he may come along. But after what he had just done for me, I was unable to say no.
We discussed anything that came to mind. His love of literature and music, playing basketball. He discussed bikes with me. His favorite brand was Harley Davidson because those bikes felt classic and royal, and showed me pictures of his favorite ones. How he planned to use his first paycheck to buy a bike, how he badly wanted to ride his bike into the mountains, etc.
It was helpful, the followingyear, when I was in the senior section and his and my Clubs periods coincided.  Despite how much I would have liked it, there was no library or literary club, so I had no idea what to take.  Dhruv requested me to join him in music so he could finally teach me how to play the piano. Although he was only interested in playing the drums, despite this, he was a reasonably good guitarist and pianist. I figured what the heck, because I had nowhere else to go, I chose music. Due to the overcrowding and sir's general lack of interest, I spent the majority of my time outside the music room, where I could read as much as I pleased., and he came to meet me up whenever he wasn't playing.
I loved him. Not going to lie. I used to tell him that it was a good thing I didn't have a real brother because I never would have related to him the same way then. He used to reply," Too bad I am not your real brother, would never let you have cried. But It's okey, I am here now"  He used to refer to me by my pet name at home, Mishu. When he did that, it felt incredibly special to me. Like he was genuinely a part of my family. He said he hated his own name as it was so short that one couldn't make a pet name out of it. I remember telling him I loved his name.
Infact I admired everything he did, even the way he never stopped talking about bikes or how he was always so transparent with me. When it was just the two of us, he was a different man. At one point, shedding his macho man attitude, he even acknowledged he enjoyed baking.
3 years. He was the only person I had in the school for the three years I attended. And he actually kept his word. He did really always have my back all the time.

I have only shared this with three other individuals in this world, but now I'm sharing it with the entire globe, and it's killing me to write the next paragraph.

But he deserves it. Dhruv deserves this.

I was in seventh grade that year, and Dhruv was in tenth, a pretty important class. His friend purchased a bike. And they took it for a test run. Dhruv wasn't riding. He was seated behind his friend. His friend wore a helmet. He didn't. It was late night when it happened, when they crashed against that truck. 

His friend suffered serious injuries, including a coma at one point.

On the other hand, Dhruv? Didn't make it. He didn't even make it to the hospital.

Since all I can think about is being with him when he was in such pain and I know I can't be there, I can't do anything now, I haven't really found peace with that night. I used to despise his friend. I also had my moments of hatred for Dhruv. For being so irresponsible and for not using a helmet.

It was simply unfair!

It was not supposed to come to that. For him, For us.

And things are still not okay. Even now, it is unfair. Him being snatched away from me? It will never be okey. I wanted more time with him. I deservd more time with him. I deserved a goodbye atleast. I deserved to let him know one last time that he was loved sooo much. He deserved so much more of life. Of happiness. 

The school was full of places that made me think of him. Thus, I switched schools. Any time he was mentioned, I immediately fled because it hurt so much.

After losing my father, I vowed never to experience such pain again, yet here I was mourning yet another loved one.

Since it hurts and no number of wonderful memories is worth that suffering, I made a pledge to myself that I would never again create any such attachments. Nothing is worth crying over the little things, having nightmares, being blank, not thinking, and feeling essentially dead inside. That is not worth anything.

I did rather well up till I met Shivanshu.

And for what reason, I'm not sure, did I let my guard down? I experienced a new love with him. I'm glad he didn't pass away.

But what he did, didn't hurt any less. He left.

Honestly, I don't really know what I wanted when I met Mukund. But he made the pain vanish when I was with him, and that's all I needed. In Colleen Hoover's words," when a person finds someone who makes all the negativity in their lives disappear, it's hard not to feed off that person." And that is all I can define what I had with Mukund to be. But the moment I felt an attachment building up with him, I backed off.

Because I'll be damned if I make myself go through that bullshit ever again. Yes I am selfish. I know. It wasn't fair to him, I know that too. However, it could've been worse. But there again, this one's for him:)

See if I'm being truthful. I won't tell up front that I don't any longer believe in love. People experience love, hence it exists. But some people just don't get, some people who lack that god damn stupid fate! I am one of those people My mother never allowed me to touch nettle leaves when I was a child, despite them being extremely common in mountains. One day I touched them in any case out of curiosity, and my palm instantly stung. My small hands developed blisters, which burned for days. "That is why you never get near things that hurt you," my mother remarked at that point. And Since from all this experience, all that I have learned is, love that hurts me, I am staying clear of it.

And as far as Dhruv is concerned, I still pretend he is here sometimes. I still talk to him in my head like he never left. I see the stars and I see him.

I really really really hope I get to meet him, again, because I miss him so much. And there are too many stories I need to tell him.

There is a large world and a tonne of stuff to do. There are just some things that one cannot have, and I am okay with that! Because if we had everything, we'd never find a reason to live.